Vote For My Jesus!

(The following is excerpted from Red and Blue God, Black and Blue Church (April 2006, $22.95,Cloth) by Becky Garrison by permission of Jossey-Bass, a Wiley imprint.)

Choosing Christ?

Even though Christians talk about following the will of Christ, if He were on the ballot today, would we vote for Him? Hmmm … lemme see. Well, for starters, His message is geared toward those “undesirables” who probably aren’t even registered to vote. Also, that business of separating the sheep who are eligible to vote for Christ from the hordes of unregistered goats represents a pollster’s nightmare.

Let’s face it, the dude just can’t spin worth diddly-squat. He tells is like it is and doesn’t give a rip whom He offends. How can you have a presidential candidate who can’t even be trusted to go to a fundraising breakfast and behave in front of the those all-important special-interest groups needed to finance the cost of mounting a presidential campaign? And as much as LaHaye & Co. like to invoke the name of Jesus, there’s no way He’d snag an invite to one of those supersecret Council for National Policy meetings.(I wish I could tell you what goes on in there, but these meetings are strictly off limits to the media; only individuals with the biggest bankrolls and the best beliefs are allowed access to these contemporary temple treasures).

Now let’s examine His staff—oh, just fuggetaboutit. His campaign manager looks like one of those crazy homeless guys I see preaching at Times Square, and His female “companion” has a checkered past that would make Monica Lewinsky blush. He hangs out with tax collectors, drunkards, and a host of unsavory characters. Roger Clinton seems downright dignified by comparison. And last but not least, His “trusted” disciples, the guys He appointed to key leadership positions, make snafus almost every time they accompany their leader in public. (I can just picture all the Christian conspiracy books blasting the behavior of Jesus’ cabinet.) Get this—He can’t even get any respect in His hometown (sound familiar, Al Gore?)

No, if Jesus stepped into the RNC or DNC headquarters, both Karl Rove and Democratic head honcho Howard Dean would show Him the door fer sure. No way in hell would they even remotely consider His candidacy as leader of the Free World—but then again, Jesus made it clear that His kingdom lay elsewhere.